‘What are you looking for?’ (in German)
‘I would like to place a complaint about noise.’ (in German)
He looks at her, saying nothing. Then stands up and says:
‘Let me get back to you, I need to ask my brother.’
The woman waits, looking at the large Pepsi, half-full, on the security table.
The man comes back with papers.
‘You speak English?’
‘Yes. Also, German.’
‘You need to fill in this,’ he says, friendly.
The woman shows she has a similar document filled in.
The man explains, pointing to the table:
‘You have to fill in this here – art of larm, start date, end date, and ZEUGEN.’
‘Yes, but I live alone and I can’t say that the neighbours witnessed all these accounts, specifically. These are my notes.’
He says nothing, just observes the woman.
‘I guess I need to go and ask them.’
‘What is the problem you are having?’
‘There is a café in an old building which plays loud music all the time.’
‘Does Hausverwaltung know?’
‘Yes.’
‘And what are they saying?’
Silence and confusion in the woman's face. She's looking for answers. Looking at the ceiling. (body language – memory)
‘I mean, they told me to call the police.’
‘Did you?’
‘Yes, the police, the Ordungsamt.’
‘And?’
‘Nothing. As soon as the police are gone, the music starts again.’
The man observes the woman again.
‘I have another question – would the people from the café know it was me who placed the complaint? Because the woman is kinda aggressive, and I don’t want to put more logs in the fire.’
‘I don’t think so. I think all documents like these are anonymous in Germany. If I were you, a woman by herself, I would carry pepper spray with me. It’s really good; it basically knocks one out for half an hour. Even police carry pepper spray – but much bigger ones. Like this.’ (Points to the fire extinguisher.)
‘What is this called in English?’
‘Fire extinguisher.’
‘Fire extinguisher!’ He seems to be happy to learn.
The woman is looking at the documents she needs to fill in.
‘But I probably can do all this online as well, right?’
‘Yes, but if I were you, I would do both. Then more people are working on this.’ (Imitating people on the phone, surfing hand gesture.) ‘Have you seen this, there is the problem there.’
‘And you can really destroy them.’
‘I don’t want any conflict, I just want the noise to end.’ (The woman looks gradually more confused.)
People pass by, putting on masks. The guard changes posture into a more official one as they do. Looks at her and gets closer again.
‘You know, if I were you – you don’t have a man, do you?’
‘I do, but he doesn’t live with me.’ (The woman lies without a delay.)
The guard looks. (Something – what emotion?)
‘You know, I would just go and throw a brick into that window. You know, I'm Arab, and we Arabs – if someone is kind to us, we reciprocate with more kindness. But if someone is bad to us, we want to destroy them. If this was me, I would punch her in the face.’ (Gesticulates boxing move from above, smilingly.)
The woman looks gradually more and more confused, trying to understand where the man is coming from.
‘So the woman wants to destroy me, you think? She’s Arab?’
‘No, I am saying if this was me. You know, women – some days are like this. And if you are scared, I would just carry pepper spray.’
The woman looks in memory again (above).
‘But, but, but, but if I carry spray, and police come, and the woman says she sprayed me and I did nothing…’
‘Yes, yes, you need Zeugen. Someone can scratch herself and say she did it.’ (Points.)
‘And sometimes, you know, someone can help you – they can say: yes, I saw it, even if they didn’t.’
‘That’s exactly what happened. The woman lied to the police that I scratched her when I didn’t, and her nails were 3 cm long, and a friend stood next to us and I’m sure confirmed it. I’m just afraid that if I make this complaint and they know it’s me they would send a gang of teenagers after me.’
(Laughs.)
‘A gang of teenagers? Hahaha.’
‘Yes.’
‘Then you can spray them all. I would be prepared.’
His Ordnungsamt badge is glistening in the morning light.
‘We have this saying in German – better safe than sorry.’ (Explains in detail each word.)
‘I am not saying you should be scared, I am just saying you should be prepared for the worst. The spray comes in small and big bottles – like this one.’ (Points at the Pepsi bottle.)
The woman hesitates.
‘Where can I buy this thing?’
‘Amazon,’ says the guard, smilingly.
The woman looks at the documents once more. The guard says:
‘Okay, yeah, I think you don’t need to fill this in. The way you have it should be okay.’
Two men pass. The guard adjusts his posture into an official one, one more time.
The woman and the officer say goodbye.
She is biking and shaking her head. It’s early autumn in a city, as we noted before. She shakes her head more and then starts laughing – and the people on the street start laughing with her.
The Guard, 2023